Please choose one audition monologue to perform during your individual music/monologue audition.
TRACEY TURNBLAD: “Ohmigod! It’s a dream of a lifetime. I have to go audition….. I go to Patterson Park High, I watch your show, and I do absolutely nothing else….but someday I hope to be the first woman president of the world..or a Rockette. You got to think big to be big!… Mother, you are so fifties. Even our first lady, Jackie B. Kennedy, rats her hair”.
CORNY COLLINS: “Now don’t forget, guys and Gidgets – our very first prime-time spectacular is coming up on June 6th, and sponsoring the event will be none other than our own ULTRA CLUTCH HAIRSPRAY.” Yeah! And that was our dance of the week: Peyton Place After Midnight, introduced to you by our brand new Council Member, Miss Tracy Turnblad. Cozy up to old Corny and tell us about yourself, Trrrrace.
EDNA: “No-one’s auditioning for anything. And what did I tell you about that hair? Wilbur, talk to her. Girls like Tracy…People like us…You know what I’m saying. They don’t put people like us on television – except to be laughed at……Being big is not the problem, Wilbur.”
PENNY PINGLETON: “Ohmigod! It’s a dream of a lifetime. I have to go watch you audition…. I’m hurrying Tracy, but my mother says I’m not allowed to perspire!….. Seaweed! Shhh! Don’t let my mother hear you…. Oh, Seaweed you do care! I was worried it was just a lonely teenager’s forbidden fantasy.”
VELMA VON TUSSLE: “(sarcastically) Really? Who would have guessed that Baltimore girls were all such floozies?” “You’re not too late dear, you’re just…too much”. Your dancing was atrocious today, Amber. Ope…shiny (powdering Amber’s nose). I’m willing to lie, cheat and steal to win you that Miss Hairspray crown, but you’ve got to work with me. Now let me at that zit!”
AMBER VON TUSSLE: “No, she can’t be Miss Hairspray! She’s the before in the Metrecal diet ad, and I’m the after, and afters always win!… “No! He can’t because everyone knows that whenever he sings, he’s singing to me! He’s completely involved with me, see? “You people are ignoring the laws of nature!”.
LINK LARKIN: “I know, those girls were all over me. I don’t know how Rock Hudson stands it….Excuse me little darlin’, I hope I didn’t dent your do” “Tracey! Tracey! How ya doin” Gee…you’re beautiful when you’re unconscious”. “I think getting to know you is the beginning of a whole lot of adventure”.
SEAWEED J. STUBBS: “Here’s a little something-something signified to say, “Hello, my name’s Seaweed J. Stubbs, and what’s yours baby?…. That thinking’s downright revolutionary!” “Ain’t no black or white in here. Detenton is a rainbow experience!” Enough talk…we came to dance!”
LITTLE INEZ: “Why do we always have to be at the back? We’ll set off sparks like Rosa Parks! You’re Tracey, you’re my favorite dancer on the Corny Collins show! “Well you’re the only one who did, cause they kicked me out on my young, gifted and black behind”.
MOTORMOUTH MAYBELLE: “Whoop-dee-doo, what a coup! The ever sparkin’, Sir Link Larkin!….. Think we haven’t tried to get them to let us all dance together? We’ve pleaded, begged and lied. We pressured the Mayor, petitioned the Gov, and what did we get? One day a month…. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. This ain’t Parcheesi. What if they call the cops? People could get hurt.
WILBUR TURNBLAD: “Tracy, this TV thing.. you really want it? Then you go for it! This is America, babe. You gotta think big to be big. When I was your age my parents begged me to run away with the circus, but I said, “No that’s what you want. I have dreams of my own”…Some day, if I can figure out how to keep the air from leaking out of my sofa sized Whoopee Cushion, I’m going to make a noise heard ’round the world!”
PINKY: Free jelly doughnuts while they last. Eat ‘em up girls. I’ve gotten tons of taffeta inside. Well hello Tracy! There’s my shining star! Television doesn’t do you justice. Now, Tracy, this can’t be your agent. She must be your gorgeous, big sister. Oh, Mama, I’ve hit the mother lode! Step inside and let’s make a deal.
MATRON/GYM TEACHER (Female Authority Figure): OK, ladies, welcome to the big dollhouse! For those of you new to the penal system I’m letting you know now that I don’t stand for no boozing, doping, cussing, gambling, fighting or any other sort of unladylike behavior. Think of me as a mother… who eats her young. YOU HEARD ME! Recess is over. Time to pay your debt to society. Please keep in mind; tipping is permitted.
